Thursday, September 13, 2007

Rollercoasters: Only fun when EMOTION is not involved.

superman escape, originally uploaded by SpacePotato.

WARNING: Not for the faint of heart.

Rollercoasters are awesome, but emotional rollercoasters suck. That's what I've been on lately. One event, then another, then another, then another. Meetings. Lectures. Feelings. Sadness. Fear. Overwhelming thoughts of "what if's". Strange situations. Uncomfortable situations. No support. Very little support. Too much support. All. At. Once.

What I once felt was a calling now seems like a sentence. I adore what I do but don't think I can take the things that surround what I do. The changes. The demands. The inappropriateness of some things.

And I hate how I feel. I am working my butt off and I feel like a fleck of dirt on the floor. My students adore me, their parents are happy, I write a mean lesson plan and give killer powerpoint presentations full of creativity and insight each day. We do group work activities, read, write, listen to classical music, and dive deep into our subject area. I get kids to write, and to love writing. I get the boys to put down the video game controllers and pick up books. I have at least ten parents each year that write me this very sentence: "[student name] hated school before. I never could get him to get up in the morning to go. Now, he loves school and is upset when he has to miss a day." .... pages and pages of emails that I've saved tell this very thing.

And if all of this is so magical and so wonderful, why do I have this sick feeling in the pitt of my stomach and this sinking feeling in my heart? Why do I feel like others are treating me like I'm not an accomplished teacher and like I'm not doing a good enough job?

Yes. It's been an emotional rollercoaster. Tomorrow is Friday, and I'm so so so glad. Time to rest. TIme to think. Time to regroup.


Maria said...

I'm sorry you are having a hard time at work. I'm a teacher too and I can understand your feelings of being underappreciated. Feel free to e-mail me if you need to "vent". Have a restful weekend and enjoy your family.

mommacurran said...

i am not a teacher....i love teachers, but isn't making others feel like they can always do better part of the game. i feel so cynical, but that is my a non-teacher...wanting to help educate our kids.

Mary said...

I'm sorry, Jessica. I hope the weekend gives you some respite.

Stephanie said...

Jess, you are making a difference every day... I know exactly how you feel though. When something major happens it is easy to let all of the good things you are doing be blurred by the few horrible times. My mom went through it this week, so that just tells me that it doesn't get better with time and something we as teachers will always struggle with. BUT after a time of rest she is feeling better and loving the job again. I know how powerful you are in that classroom... Teaching is not just your job, it is YOU! And to top it all off you are a wonderful mother and friend. I am here whenever you need me! Miss you lots!